Black Sheep Bass-ic Training

Doing The Christian Walk With A Funky Strut

Stuck in the fence

on January 27, 2015

…and man, do these barbs hurt.

Can’t move backward.  Can’t move forward.  Can’t move sideways.  Just stuck.  Doing a whole lot of bleating and not a lot of moving.

Sums up current life circumstances nicely.

I have no idea if I’ve blogged yet in 2015.  I think I have but not sure.  I do know my weekdays consist of the following:

Alarm goes off.  Reset at least twice.  Get up in just enough time to slam breakfast in face, shower, dress, and pack lunch/dinner.  Mad dash out door.

Hour and 15 commute.  Memorize Scripture? Read discipleship book and take notes?  Doze off some more?  Any option will do.

Begin madness that is my workday.  Get plucked bare of any fruit of the Spirit by 9 am, just an hour in.  Settle into frantic working pace and simmering temper.

After standard quitting time (4:45), run errands/go to chiropractor/work overtime/actually go home.

Hour and 15 commute home.  Stare blankly into space while mind races over the insanity of the day.

Arrive home, stress-eat, do something to wind down, collapse into bed exhausted (at a late hour ensuring sleep deprivation).

Next day, lather rinse repeat.

Weekends, run around like mad trying to get half the things on a to-do list done, and still have a fraction of a social life.

The three most important things for me to do–prayer time, Bible study, and bass practice–are somehow not part of the equation right now.  I’m too whipped from work and household maintenance.  I pay good money for a beautiful apartment that I hardly ever see the inside of.  And when I am here, I’m usually giving the insides of my eyelids a thorough but brief examination.  So I’m not getting to enjoy what God has blessed me with.

Seeking different employment…no doors opening.

Not negotiating my current wilderness well.  Complaining a lot and not being loving toward co-workers.

Reeling from teaching on Sunday out of 1 John.  Too many “litmus tests” in there point to me not really being in the faith.  I do question how strong my faith really is.  If I truly believed in Jesus’ sacrifice for my sins, if I truly believed that God is in charge and all things are His, etc etc etc, then I should a) not be letting so many things get to me and stress me out, and b) be acting a whole lot more Christ-like than I am.

We unwrapped this in small group on Sunday.  The Scripture “Faith without works is dead” was quoted.  Works includes acting loving toward others.  I know I’m not doing that at work.  So I said, “So, what, my faith is dead?”  The whole group laughed.

Maybe they thought I was being sarcastic or trying to be funny.

I wasn’t.

I seriously wonder sometimes.  Is it dead?

Maybe it’s on life support.

I do know one thing:  no matter what things look like now, no matter what I’m going through, I turn back to Him…He’s the only thing that I feel like I CAN consistently turn to.  Even when I don’t feel like I’m hearing from Him or that He’s listening, I still get some comfort from approaching Him.  When I get those few moments each day where I can try and clear my mind, I talk to Him about what’s going on.

I need more of that, and I need to figure out how to make it happen.

I need to get out of this fence.

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