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Bleating in a vacuum

on August 19, 2013

As folks in my life know, the single greatest testing of my spiritual mettle is my job.

I am thankful to have it.  The pay gets the bills squared away and the benefits package is pretty sweet.  Most co-workers are easy enough to get along with.  It’s easy to get to from pretty much anywhere in the city.  The actual position itself makes good use of my anal retentive detail oriented work skills and I don’t half mind doing it.

But.

By the end of a work day, enough has occurred that I’ve allowed my mouth to run foul, my attitude is in the pits, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted.  Even on days when I’ve gotten in a full 10-course spiritual breakfast.  Today was such a day.  I got in prayer time, got some Word reading in, just felt spiritually full and positive and ready to take on the day.  By noon, I was in the same complaining, negative, discouraged, and disengaged rut as everyone else.

So I tried to really get with God on it toward the end of my work day…and that’s when part of the problem really made itself evident.

I have a really hard time sensing His presence there.

God is everywhere, so the Word says.  But it’s weird…I’m able to lock in with Him no problem everywhere I go–except there.  At home, His peace and calm reigns supreme.  At church, His presence is so thick in the place I can practically taste it.  When I’m walking about the city, doing errands or whatnot, I can see Him moving and freely converse with Him.  I can even sense Him on those rolling circuses known as CTA buses…I often pray and/or just be still as we’re bouncing along, and I know without a shadow of a doubt He’s there with me.

But at my job?  There’s a few illustrations that might give a sense of what it’s like.  When I go in there prayed up and full of the Holy Spirit, and then try to maintain that power by sitting still for a few moments and calling on Him…it’s like being on a walkie-talkie, and the channel you’re on is full of static.  I can hear Him, but there’s a lot of interference.  If I haven’t “gotten dressed” spiritually or it’s later in the day and the devil’s been busy, it’s like throwing up a lead shield in front of an X-ray machine…try as I might, I can’t get through at all.  There’s been times where I’ve gotten really down, and just dropped what I was doing to just plead for His strength–and it felt like He was just outside, at the window, face and hands smooshed against it, trying to figure out how to get in.  Him mouthing, me mouthing, the desperation to communicate being evident from both of us but that barrier being in the way.

I don’t know if the barrier is because of something I’m doing/not doing, or if it’s just something about that place.  I will say this though…I do find it extremely odd that the only e-mails I get that ever find themselves subject to Spam Quarantine on our work e-mail server are the newsletter subscriptions I get from Bible Gateway, and personal e-mails from a beloved sister in Christ.  No matter how many times I mark these as “not spam”, and release them for viewing, they continue to get quarantined at least once a week.  Unwanted marketing e-mails?  Skate right through.  Tasteless joke forwards?  No problem.  But something speaking life?  Those set off red flags.  ‘Spurgeon at the New Park Street Chapel’ sends our server into a tizz.

A lot of days, it feels like the only God-presence in the place, is the Holy Spirit’s fire burning within me…and it’s always reduced to a flicker or snuffed completely by the end of the day.  Even when I read those freshly-unquarantined newsletters.  Even when I do my Bible study.  Even when I read my devotional.

I won’t even go into the behavior issues that result from losing connection with my Power Source, let’s just say it’s good confessional fodder.  I just want to find out what is causing the disconnect.  We all need Him every moment of every day to do and be right.  I want to live for Him.  I want to be a good witness for Him when I’m there…the place needs it desperately, so many people there don’t know Him.  But when I can’t get through to Him….

Something to pray on this evening.  At least here I know He and I can chat freely.  🙂

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2 responses to “Bleating in a vacuum

  1. Stacee says:

    I like your walkie talkie notion. The girls were just playing with theirs yesterday and yes, you can only hear about every other word because of the static. I’m sure it’s because we’ve never changed the batteries since they got them at Christmas. Another problem is that GG can’t remember to hold her finger down on the button the whole time she’s talking. So, we’ll hear the beginning of what she’s saying, but the tail end will be completely lost except for what we can just barely hear through the muffled walls of our small house. All of this picture was going through my head as you blogged about your struggle to connect to God while at work. I’m sure my connection to God wanes because my batteries are not fresh (nearly dead most of the time) and usually I only 1/2 heartedly do my part to hold the button down that He has told me to press. 🙂 Boy do we like to speak in metaphors or what?

    • shanfield94 says:

      🙂 Hey, they make this stuff easy to understand!! Speaking in holier-than-thou “Christianese” is what gets a lot of folks running the other way, “that’s too hard, I could never do that”. We’re real people doing this walk, and what better way to communicate that, than use real-life examples? People can relate to dead batteries! LOL!! And oh how on-point you are with your story of the girls playing. I too find my batteries pretty drained sometimes, and let’s not go into what buttons I’m pushing. 😉

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